General’s Log, Hair Date 78446.7:

On the morrow, across the vast expanse of the galaxy, the spirit of celebration will reverberate in every star system, as joy and merriment permeate the universe. Yet, amidst this universal revelry, I find myself with an unlikely companion—a cosmic traveler whose existence defies the very laws of space and time. This being, a corpulent entity, clad in crimson and ivory from head to toe, will glide effortlessly through intergalactic wormholes. Unlike my precision Macroblades 110-3Ws, which require constant calibration and fine-tuning, his craft’s propulsion is, well, beyond my understanding. Yet, despite our differences, we share a singular purpose: to bring cheer to the Puckarians of Memphis Prime.

But make no mistake—this midnight marauder cheats the system! He is not alone in his quest, unlike me. This intergalactic trespasser employs arcane powers, summoning hundreds—if not thousands—of sentient beings to mass-produce his so-called gifts. Even more egregiously, he exploits a species of Rangifer tarandus native to Earth’s northern polar icecaps—eight of them, to be precise, yoked to his celestial chariot. The audacity!

While I wrestle with a hobbled propulsion system, struggling through the cold vacuum of space, this charlatan luxuriates, effortlessly breezing through the cosmos without so much as a modicum of exertion. And let’s not even mention the excess of stolen milk and cookies he consumes without remorse! My disdain for this individual is immeasurable, yet still, I persist.

Soon, we will cross paths on the icy (i.e., mild-temperate) plains of Memphis Prime, where I will toil, sweat, and agonize in my pursuit of joy. Meanwhile, he will glide by, offering his signature laugh, “Ho-ho-ho,” without a care. I, battling the friction of the universe, know that pain and struggle forge strength. It is through adversity that we become resilient. As for him? He will only grow larger in both body and ego, indulging in his ultimate sugary demise, while my resolve hardens, and my spirit grows ever stronger.

Hilaris Christmas!

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