General’s Log, Hair Date 78350.9:

It has been fifty days and 495 miles since my journey began. The vastus lateralis, gluteus maximus, and, lest we forget, the rectus femoris, have endured trials of Herculean magnitude. These masterfully engineered sarcomeres—deliberately positioned by evolution’s deft hand—have been tested to their utmost limits. Yet, they persist, propelling me ever forward on this grueling mission: another 200 days, another 1,500 miles await.

But as recorded in previous logs, the specter of winter looms over this endeavor. The long, dark nights of frigid torment haunt my thoughts, like a Borg cube hiding just beyond the edge of the neutral zone. Our home, Memphis Prime, known for its unpredictable temperament, clings to the warmth of autumn. Aside from intermittent rain bursts and sporadic atmospheric dips to 275’ish Kelvin, it remains disconcertingly calm—a tranquility that hints at treachery. Winter will come. When it does, its icy grip will show no mercy.

Yet, an even darker threat rises on the horizon—a force not unlike the supermassive black holes that punctuate our galaxy. It crawls forth each year, inexorably, dragging its victims into chaos and despair. This menace is known as Winter Break. Ah, the devastation! The horror! Like a starship caught in the wake of a collapsing neutron star, peace and progress are obliterated. Vaporized like a cosmic fart in the galactic solar winds.

Winter Break unleashes an army of tiny chaotic particles that wreak havoc on the elders of Memphis Prime. Their effects are amplified by a malevolent ritual referred to as The Family Vacation. While such gatherings generate joy and temporary unity, they warp the space-time continuum, consuming precious temporal resources critical to my mission.

In preparation for these cataclysmic events, I must accelerate my efforts. Over the next month, my sarcomere-driven engine must engage warp speed. Failure is not an option. To falter is to surrender to the abyss, and surrender is the path to annihilation.

Avertens Tragoediam!

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